Sunday School

I recently got surgery on my nose (deviated septum + two extra sinuses... ouch) and so I have a nice, white bandage stretched across my face.

Today in church a bunch of us who were home from college were ditching Sunday School to catch up (not condoning, just reporting) and a member of the Bishopric came up and asked us why weren't in Sunday School. One of my friends turned to him and said, "We are in Sunday School. This is our class." The Bishopric member asked, "and where is your teacher?" another girl replied, "You can be our teacher." The Bishopric member looked at me and said, "Ok, let me tell you about the horrors of cocaine. And what it can do to your nose."

Cheeky

One time in my pre-calc class in high school we had a substitute teacher who was incredibly pompous. He wasn't even teaching us, he just kept talking while we were trying to do our assignment and explaining how he had taken as much math as possible and the only people that took more math than him were the ones that were just theorizing about math. He was going off about how math is so fascinating because with each new level you learn that you can actually do something that your previous teachers had always told you that you couldn't do. For instance when you are learning how to do subtraction and your teacher always said that you can't subtract a larger number from a smaller number. But then later you find out that you actually can subtract larger numbers from smaller numbers. Or how when you first learn square roots, you are taught that you can't take the square root of a negative number and later on come to find out you actually can. However, our substitute told us, no matter what level you get to, you will never be able to divide by zero.

I turned to him and said, "Maybe you just haven't got to that level yet."

Riddle me this

I love riddles. They are frustrating beyond belief but the feeling once you finally get the answer is surreal. Unfortunately, not everyone shares my same enthusiasm. I recently heard a really good one that I thought was quite clever. Me, being the ENFJ that I am, immediately told all my friends it. Turns out telling a riddle to someone who not only doesn't care but hates riddles is more frustrating than not even getting them. Here is how the experience went down.

Me: Ok, so there is an Island with 100 people who all think and act completely logically but none of them can communicate with each other in anyway. The King of the Island, however, can talk and has decided that everyone with blue eyes needs to leave the island. So as soon as anyone figures out they have blue eyes they need to get on the boat and leave. The boat leaves once a day every day. There is at least one person who has blue eyes and everyone knows that. They will not leave until they are absolutely sure they have blue eyes. So the question is, if there are 50 people with blue eyes, how many days does it take to for them to discover they have blue eyes and leave?

Friend 1: that's easy. The King just tells them they have blues and they leave. BAM. Got it.

Me: No, the King just told them about the law and then left them alone. They have to figure it out for themselves.

Friend 2: Oh, well then everyone else just tells everyone who has blue eyes that they have blue eyes and then they leave.

Me: No! They can't talk to each other.

Friend 1: That's stupid. Why can't they talk to each other?

Me: Because it's part of the riddle! They just can't. Ok, look at it this way, if you and me were the only two people with blue eyes how would we both know to get on the boat?

Friend 2: Oh that's easy. I would just walk on to the boat and you would follow me because you are in love with me.

Oh, ridiculous.

That explains it

Me: today a girl in class said the only reason that boys are generally bigger than girls is because of social constructs. 

Friend: oh, so that must be why women have babies.

Me: ya, men probably got sick of doing it and threw childbearing in with the rest of the "oppress women" package. 

Sisterly Advice

My sister and I are four years apart and were never really that close growing up. In fact, we pretty much fought for the first 19 years of my life. I knew we were breaking ground when one day she asked me how to kiss a boy.

I told her, "You lean in really slow, close your eyes, open your mouth real wide and stick out your tongue and wiggle it back and forth like this."

I probably ruined what could have been a very tender moment.

Wouldn't you?

I spent most of last summer sitting by the side of a small, jelly-bean shaped pool in Utah with my best friend. One day we showed up and there was a bright red, child-sized kayak sitting on the edge of the pool. It was probably meant for a five year old. So of course my friend picks it up, climbs in and paddles around the entire length of the 20 ft. pool, singing, "I look once more. Just around the riverbend! Beyond the shore....."

She knew the whole song.

Problem Solving

A friend came to me with a problem. My problem solving skills aren't as good as his.

Me: No don't worry about it. Unless all the girls you know fall in love with you. Then you have a lot more than that to worry about.

Friend: Yeah, it's not high on my list of things to worry about

Me: Don't sell yourself so short, you ladies man you.

Friend: It comes in on the list right after, "what do i do if i come home and there's a zebra in my room?"
This is a valid concern
There is a finite probability of this occurring.

Me: So what are you going to do if there is a zebra in your room?

Friend: Gently close the door and walk away.
Which will be what i do if lots of girls fall in love with me
It happens to be the solution to many of my problems.